Cry of My Heart

The title in itself is an amazing statement. Where to go from there...There is so much I want to say, yet I don't know quite the words to express them. Note to self, second amazing statement! I almost feel like I am at that time in a pregnancy (no I am not pregnant) when you have such a promise of what is to come and you yearn to see your baby and hold your baby, and breath in the smell of your baby, yet you have so long to wait. You know the time is coming, but that is almost more of a burden than a promise. The yearning is at times painful and at times joyous because you have a hope of what is to come, too. That hope reminds you it is there when you feel your baby kick or hear the heartbeat or see your baby move on an ultrasound.

In some ways, I think that the desires God put in our hearts are almost like pregnancies. You desire something so strongly that it hurts to not have it, your arms ache to hold it. There are even times you almost forget the desire is even there. Forget for a moment why you are even doing what you're doing, sacrificing what you are sacrificing. But then, God stirs up that desire. He makes that desire move inside your heart, lets you hear its heartbeat, or see some part you didn't know about before.

Right now that is where I am. I have known since I was a young child what I wanted to do with my life. I remember at one point in my "tweens" begging God to give me talent. I felt like I didn't have any. Well Eph 3:20 is alive and well, baby! God answered me, actually had already answered me because I had talents I had not even recognized and now I have more than I have time to use. But, I never suffered from a common ailment among men and women, I never wondered what God wanted me to do with my life.

First and foremost I wanted to meet a Godly man that I respected and admired and loved with all my heart. I wanted a man who would give to me the way Christ gives to the Church. Boy, did I get that! (Thanks, God, for giving me my husband) Then I wanted to have children. Got that! Even if it wasn't in my timing, He knew.
Then I wanted to be in ministry. I wanted to teach Christians how to be Christians, how to walk daily in Him. I wanted to build God centered orphanages that children found hope in, I wanted to bring Christ to Ireland where it rarely is anymore. I wanted to plant churches so that the poor and fatherless and widowed and orphans would have places to worship God. I wanted to build houses for the poor, make things for those who had nothing. Teach basic skills of clothe making, cooking, cleaning, gardening, etc. Oh, the list goes on and on and on. The older I get the more I want to do for Him and the less time I feel I have to accomplish it.

Yet, in all this time, those things felt like they were almost a life time away. I was at point A and those things were like point Q-Z. I obviously have accomplished some of them, well not I but Christ through me: married a wonderful Godly man, have an awe inspiring daughter and a joy bringing son. Then I began to wonder what is the next step. I know I am in a church I am supposed to be, and my husband agrees. Sometimes we wonder if where we had been hindered us to getting where we needed to be. But the past is past and it looks like those hinderances are being paid for now by those that caused them. Regardless, what step is to be next on my path?

Well, these past few months I have felt like God has been showing me more on how to get from here to where I want to be. I have had questions, like how does my song writing fit into all of this? Music is constantly swimming in my head, but why? Why can I make things that others like, such as purses, etc.? Why am I a good cook? Why this burning desire to accomplish more in my lifetime than most accomplish in three or more? I am always hearing that verse in my head, without a vision the people perish. Well, if it went on to say, and the more dreams and visions you have the longer you will live, then I would never die because the dreams just keep coming. I have in past few months discovered the desire to go to China and help further the underground church there. Whew, wouldn't have believed that one a few years ago!

God has also led Tim to apply for a position in our church. Don't know what will come of it, but God said to do it, and he did. Then tonight I met by chance the wife of the pastor over the area Tim had applied for a position in. God appointments. Then on the way home, God just dropped on me the reasoning behind something I have wondered about for quite a while.

Backtrack, slightly, so this will be understood. Several years ago, Tim and I tried to move to Gadsden. It didn't work out. Then we tried to move there again a year or two later. We thought that time we would. Had an appartment picked out and everything, and then poof! back to Birmingham we came because of Tim's job. But, we still loved Gadsden and loved the people that we met and things we found to do there. Yet, we stayed in Birmingham and moved on with our lives. That desire to be there has never quite gone away.

We knew that to accomplish what we want to for God we would have to one day move away from Birmingham but knew not when that day would come. Still don't, if truth be told. However, I think we are getting there.

Now back to present day. On the way home tonight God showed me that a seed had been planted in us to love Gadsden and want her people to know God. The harvest is plenty but the laborers are few, kind of thing. He said that the seed is growing, and that is why the desire was so strong to go there and bring to fruition what had been planted in us. Now, I know that a move is being made by our church to plant a campus for our church in Gadsden, and I am assuming that is part of it. Now, God said to me that this seed of desire for His people will come to bear fruit in due season. Of course I don't know the season, nor am I concerned about that part. But, I am making ready. If we don't need it or use it, I am selling it and we are getting out of debt before this year is over. We are also becoming responsible with our money. We tell it where to go before it goes. Somewhere along the way this year, we are going to be outrageously blessed. I don't know when, I don't know how, but I know He will.

By the end of this year, we could be living in Gadsden and Tim could be working at the new Gadsden campus. Or we could still be where we are, continueing to do what God wants here. Either way, I am a little closer to knowing the next step on this race to the finish, and I know that we are running a good race for Christ. I know that by the end of this all, there are those out there that will be blessed of God because we have chosen that we will be a bless-ing.

A Journal Entry

I have decided to do something new for 2009 for myself more than anything. On here I am going to keep a Blessing Journal. It will be where I post whenever I, or Tim and I have blessed someone. It isn't to get approval from anyone who reads this, but for at the end of the year me to be able to look back and see just what all we were able to do.

Sometimes it is so easy to get discouraged by circumstances, but with us looking for ways to bless others then the opportunities will be more obvious. Also, on a down day I can look back and see that I really am changing lives, even if it is just in little ways.

I am going to regress a little and list the things I've already done this year that I can remember.

December 31st, took Lauren a meal for her and her family as she had just had her second baby. He was just so cute! God I want another one!

January 6th, gave a waitress a tip that was 45% of our bill instead of the normal 20%. Both mine and Tim's grandfathers would have croaked, and I would have even given more but it was all the cash I had. She was so sweet and caring!

January 9th, took Misty (Tim's cousin) a meal for her and her husband who just had their first child, a boy. I got to hold him for a little while and he reminded me so much of my own little boy at that age, but just bigger! God I want another one! This might get dangerous, we have two more people about to give birth that we are family to and two that are friends of mine having their own later this month. It is a good thing my IUC lasts for three more years or I would be tempted to pray my pills didn't work again! Ha, I think babies cause insanity.

January 10th, took my cousin a bunch of good toys for her little girl to play with. The child had no really good toys and my children have enough to fill several homes besides the four they are already scattered in. I also gave her some bloomers that read Birthday Girl on them for Pey-Pey to wear later this month on her birthday.

Okay, I think that is it so far. But it already makes me feel good for making a difference and showing God's love.