Saturday, February 4, 2012
Its been forever and a day since I last posted and I'm beginning to think this blog is full of way too much emotion, but considering the new journey I have embarked upon then I know only too well much more emotion is to come.(Warning! Warning!) But really, emotion isn't always bad, it isn't always overwhelming or heartwrenching; emotion can be full of happiness, joy, and peace. Peace is something I've learned a lot about since my last post. Grieving my mother was a lot more intense than I ever anticipated, not for any reasons of guilt or bitterness or desire to hold on to her longer on my end, but because I had not ever really understood just how much a part of my personage she was. By that, I mean I relied on her approval, like any child does of their parent, but with an intenseness even I didn't see. She was my advisor, my phone chat buddy, my best friend, one whom I trusted completely. Even though I am adult and was one even when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2003, I had not ever stepped away from the protection my parents provided from simply being parents, to spread my own wings and learn to fly. Oh, I had dreams; I still do. My dreams were intense, wild, and free, but I wasn't so much. Since December of 2010 when my mother passed on into heaven's gates, I've learned a little bit more of how I don't have to depend on someone else to be me, that I can be me, every single part of me, even the parts I'm just getting to know, without hanging on to what is past and what is gone. In April of last year I was knocked out of the nest in a way I didn't forsee and had to spread my wings to fly or crash. I almost crashed. But not quite, because God was there with me and lifted me on wings like eagles so that I could soar above all that was going on in my life. Since then I've hit some pretty awful winds, some full of adversity and days so bleak I felt betrayed by those who I felt were supposed to love me unconditionally, without malice, or resentment. Regardless of those moments, the ones that have come more often have also been shaping me into who I am, the person I was meant to be all along, and those moments have been happy and full of joy, those moments have brought me closer to God, they have brought me closer to family, to friends I had drifted away from in the turmoils of life. In the midst of all that came my way, I found peace. I didn't hunt after it, I didn't search night and day for it; rather I searched out God to heal my heart, to heal the wounds that festered, to become closer to Him because obviously the way I had been doing it for years was not really working and I needed to understand the new me that was birthed from the flames of grief. Only when I got as snuggled into Him as I could, by reading voraciously in my Bible like a thirsty, dehydrated person; by listening to songs that filled me with good things; by grabbing hold with my spirit that which was pure and blameless, only then did I find I was no longer huddled in a prostrate mass, afraid to trust for betrayal, afraid to speak for rebbutal, afraid to make choices for failure, afraid to stand for falling. I have finally experienced what it means to have the peace that surpasses all understanding or intelect. Its not explainable, it isn't something you buy at the grocery store, it isn't an app to download; its a benefit of trust, of placing all of my control, all of my fears, all of my insecurities at God's feet and letting Him have control, letting Him set me free, letting Him strengthen me. After all, God already knows all that has and will come my way, so with Him in the lead I'll be just fine.