Friday, May 29, 2009

A first time for everything....

So, I have a five year old. My five year old is beautiful, a bit stubborn, very dramatic, and is quite a conversationalist. And she just said her first cuss word.

What did I do? Well, let me tell you!

I was in my bedroom finishing up something and she came in my room all dressed since we were about to go somewhere. She drops something on the floor by accident as we started talking and she said the whopper of all whoppers, " G-D ". Now, we are Christians who don't cuss (well, WE don't but occassionally I let the S word slip in a very hushed whisper). Anyway, we definitely don't say G-D, nor could you pay us enough money to.

To say I was astonished might be understating it a bit, more like flabbergasted, gobsmacked, bowled over, etc. but all at the same time. Thank goodness, my godly parenting skills took over while the rest of me was metephorically on the floor.

I heard myself say, " What? "

The next thing was not a repeat of the word like most would probably do, but a burst of tears from my very young five year old. Compassion kicked in, since I knew she didn't know what she had just said. I explained to her that we did not say that word ever, no matter what, because it was really bad and meant something bad.

The wailing wall in Israel hasn't seen as many tears as I did during this exchange, complete with hyperventilating (coming from her, not me). Very calmly, without any yelling or shouting I told her she wasn't in trouble and I was not going to punish her because she didn't know she was wrong until mommy let her know. In the midst of a boo-hoo, I said, " Honey, it isn't wrong to try new words, that is what helps you get smarter. But you obviously thought that word might not be a good one because you started crying before I even said whether it was or not. Next time, if you think a word might be a bad one, ask. You won't get in trouble for asking, because that is the right way to do it. "

I also let her know that if she ever said the word again she would be in deep trouble because now she knew the word was wrong, and if she didn't stop crying I was going to tickle her until she stopped. Of course, like I mentioned she is dramatic, so I ended up having to tickle her for about five minutes. After a little bit she calmed down, and I loved on her and hugged her telling her I loved her very much and she was very special and nothing she ever said was going to change that. But, I wanted her to use only nice words, not bad words that were ugly.

After she left my room, the realization of what actually transpired hit me and I reeled. To some, it might now be a big deal, but when it is your own precious, innocent child and that comes out of their mouth it can surprise you to say the least. As to where she picked up the word, there are two culprits. One is a very recent movie on tv that decided it wasn't being riveting enough so one of the characters decided to add some spice without any warning. Of course we changed the channel, but not before our little girl's little ears heard it. The second is a culprit of considerable years and a cantankerous humorous dispostion who is my husband's elderly grandfather. Whenever we visit, I hear the term at least once, but he has dementia to a degree and wouldn't remember if you asked him not to say it around the kids. Anyway, one was somewhat controllable but the other is highly unlikely to be controlled.

To sum it up, I survived my child's first cuss word a hundred times better than I coudl have ever imagined, but I know it was not me but the grace of God helping me. Otherwise there would have been yelling and shouting involved on my end and a terrified little five year old on her end. Considering all of us parents will have to deal with this one time or another a friend suggested I share my "fun" adventure so that maybe somebody else could learn something from it. I hope you do learn something, even if it is to laugh at my expense! Have a great and peaceful cuss-free night!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

For us who grieve...

Recently I went to a conference where every woman who had experienced the loss of a child, miscarriage or otherwise, was asked to stand and receive prayer. I was at the BJCC and the bottom half of the place was full of only women, but I was still astounded at how many women stood. Two of the six women in front of me stood, and unfortunately I was included in the overall group. Even though my pain is not fresh and my tears are not so common anymore, it is still a loss.

Between my first and second child, I conceived on the day of my 23rd birthday and lost the pregnancy just as I was suspecting I was pregnant, about six weeks in. It was a horrible, painful miscarriage, made worse by the fact I was on vacation and away from my doctor. By the time I made it to the doctor it was too late to do a DNC, but it took me almost 11 weeks to heal physically. It took me months longer to heal emotionally, even though I had never heard the heartbeat or felt my baby move, that was still my baby. I believe life begins at the moment of conception, and all life is precious. I felt that this precious little life had been stolen from me and I never had a chance to get to know this person who had begun growing inside me. It was almost made worse by the fact I had no grave to go to and console myself; there were no momentos of that life, only a huge aching void.

Over time, I came to terms so to speak, with what I and my husband both lost, even though I had no idea how much it pained him, too. Eventually, I bottled all that pain up and put into a song to express my grief. That was my healing moment.

I still think about the child I lost, and wonder what that child would be like. I also thanked the Lord for his peace and lovingkindness, when exactly a year later to the day, I conceived my son. This is especially wonderous considering that all three times I have conceived I have been on birth control!

Anyway, I decided after about five months of silence, I would not hide my miscarriage anymore. So many women out there have experienced what I did and yet have hidden it as some kind of shame and guilt, like they are responsible for what happened.
I grieve, but I know that Psalm 113:9 says:
He settles the barren woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the LORD.
I want women out there to know that even in our darkest hour, in our deepest grief God can. He can heal us, He can lift us up, He can deliver us from shame, He can be our strong tower, He can restore our soul, He can give us a hope of seeing our child(ren) again! So therefore, I share my song in the hope that it helps someone out there heal a little more from the grief so many of us share.

Song of My Heart
Nothing will bring you back to me
but you are a part of me always
We never had the chance to meet
Yet you are never far from me
I will carry you in my heart
and hold precious to
what you would have been

Did you ever hear
the song of my heart
beating up against your own
when your song failed
mine wanted to as well
I long to know if heaven rings
with the music of you singing
as it would've here on earth
Oh I hope you had your daddy's smile
and your mamma's blue green eyes

I know you are better off
where you are more so than here
you will never know the pain of life
or carry tears in your eyes
Hurt will never follow after you
and love will be ever by your side
I know you now have only peace
since the angels bore you up
within their wings
and God sang you His lullaby
But I will have missed the most
for never knowing you
Until we meet again

After my husband read these words he told me that he had a dream where a little boy with brown hair and brown eyes hugged him as Tim cried, and told him that he was okay in heaven and that he knew we loved him. My husband also said his name was Noah.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Happy Birthday JJ!

Happy 2nd Birthday JJ!
As you can see from my post yesterday, we have two birthdays very very close together. But we see it as God's sense of humor, since mine and my husband's are also one day apart. Our life together has been filled with those cute little occurances, but none better than our two children.

JJ was born on this day two years ago, at 7:36pm weighing 4lbs 13oz. and 19 in. long. He was five weeks early, had jaundice as well, and when we brought him home from the hospital he weighed 4lbs. and 1 oz. I have never held any other babies as tiny as my two, and it somehow makes them all the more precious to see a life that shouldn't have made it defy all odds and show the world that God is bigger than circumstances.

Now two years later, no one would ever know that JJ was a preemie. He is above average in weight, height, and vocabulary. He is already using the potty, which took a year longer for his sissy, and he amazes me everyday with his antics and humor. This road has been a short two years, filled with a joy only God can give. When I found out I was having a boy, my first thought was "What am I going to do with a boy?". I wanted another girl, especially since I was comfortable with girls, but God had other plans. When JJ came into my life, I was astonished at how head over heels in love with him I became. With his sissy, it was a sweet, gentle kind of love that was peaceful and lovely. With JJ, it was a kind of giddy, first true love feel. It is hard to explain, but I never thought I could love my children in different ways and love them equally. But I do.

My precious little boy, you are the light of my life. You are my joy in the morning, my cuddles in the evening. " I can hear my children laughing down the hall through my bedroom door...I am blessed. ", is so true. There is nothing sweeter than the sound of your and your sissy's laughter. In your sense of humor, you are so like your daddy and I find it adorable. Even the sight of your pouty lips when things don't go your way, make me laugh and want to cry along with you. I can tell you will influence people as you grow older. You have an ability already to sympathize with people and make them feel like they are the most special people in all the world.

I hope as you grow older you use this ability in the way God would have you, and that you serve him all the days of your life. I honestly think you will have something to do with mechanics of some sort, since you have been figuring out how to take things apart since you were 6 months old. But whatever you do, know that I will always be proud of you, and thankful that you came into my life to show me how fun boys really can be.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Happy Birthday M&M

Five years ago today, my little tiny M&M came into this world. She weighed only 4lbs and 9oz at 19 in. long. She was my little miracle, a blessing from God, that made it past the 28 week stage no matter what anyone else thought. Even though we had so many complications during my pregnancy and surprises when she was born (severe jaundice and the knowledge of her having syndactyly/polydactyly), I was overjoyed and awed that God gave her to me of all people.

When she was born my dad took a picture and placed it on the door of our room in the hospital. We had nurses come by in droves just to look at her and one grandmother who knocked on our door to see our beautiful baby because she had never seen a newborn that pretty. I thought I was going to scream for all the people saying how tiny she was for the next month! Or the people asking if she was a babydoll, like grown women put those in carseats and take them to walmart!

What a journey we have had in these brief five years!
Sometimes when I hold her in my arms, I wonder how she was ever so small and where my little baby went. I almost hate to know what the next five years hold, but then again I look forward to what my child is going to grow up to be.
She will always be my beautiful little M&M, with gorgeous blue eyes and a smile to melt your heart. And her love for God and Jesus gets me in that "unph" place in my heart. She prayed for the first time by herself recently and I was so amazed at all she packed into that two minute prayer.

M&M, my darling child. I am so happy to be your mother. I know that you will grow into an awesome woman of God and bring mercy into people's lives because they will see it in you and want to have what you have. You are a source of joy for me; I love to watch you dance and hear you sing. I love your stories and the sound of your laugh. I know one day you will be a mother like me, and I look forward to experiencing that day with you. You are everything I prayed you would be and I know by the grace of God you will continue to be all of your days. May the Lord bless you and keep you and may your light shine forth before men all your days. Thank you for coming down from heaven where Jesus rocked you in your cradle and sang you lullabies because you knew mommy and daddy were lonely for you, our baby girl.

Monday, May 4, 2009

M&M & JJ's Birthday Party

The inevitable has occurred!!! Sniff, Sniff...
Saturday we celebrated M&M and JJ's birthdays with a party. For those of you who don't know, my two blessing are three years and a day apart in age (which is ironic since my hubby and my birthdays are also a day apart), so we celebrate their birthdays at the same time; at least for right now.

The spongebob (or sponbop as JJ says) was JJ's balloon.

M&M had the Tinkerbell balloon which was fitting since Tink is what her room is decorated in.

Because of the storm clouds looming we did an inside craft that is so simple. Just gather stickers, dry erase markers, etc, and balloons letting the kids decorate the balloons. It can also be something the kids can take home with them (and then pop hours later when they get into a balloon fight)

We had an impromptu hula dance from the bigger girls,

Next came presents!

My 14 yr. old niece somehow lit the candles on the scrumptious cupcakes with a match better than her own grandmother has done in years past (family joke).
M&M and JJ blew out their candles (JJ with a little help)

JJ eating his cupcake

M&M eating hers

PeyPey eating hers, yummy!

And of course somebody just had to take a picture of me about to eat one. The cupcakes were delish, to date I have eaten about seven, I think.

My 11 yr. old nephew on the kids' rocking horse while eating his chocolate ice cream. Who says you have to grow up?

My 14 yr. old niece giving me the don't you dare take my picture look; I listened can't you tell.

We started using one of the presents since the weather was a little better. My parents got the kids (and my husband) a bubble machine,which was AWESOME!

M&M popping her quadruple bubble

JJ screaming "BUBBLE" as one came near him.

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