Thursday, May 21, 2009
For us who grieve...
Recently I went to a conference where every woman who had experienced the loss of a child, miscarriage or otherwise, was asked to stand and receive prayer. I was at the BJCC and the bottom half of the place was full of only women, but I was still astounded at how many women stood. Two of the six women in front of me stood, and unfortunately I was included in the overall group. Even though my pain is not fresh and my tears are not so common anymore, it is still a loss.
Between my first and second child, I conceived on the day of my 23rd birthday and lost the pregnancy just as I was suspecting I was pregnant, about six weeks in. It was a horrible, painful miscarriage, made worse by the fact I was on vacation and away from my doctor. By the time I made it to the doctor it was too late to do a DNC, but it took me almost 11 weeks to heal physically. It took me months longer to heal emotionally, even though I had never heard the heartbeat or felt my baby move, that was still my baby. I believe life begins at the moment of conception, and all life is precious. I felt that this precious little life had been stolen from me and I never had a chance to get to know this person who had begun growing inside me. It was almost made worse by the fact I had no grave to go to and console myself; there were no momentos of that life, only a huge aching void.
Over time, I came to terms so to speak, with what I and my husband both lost, even though I had no idea how much it pained him, too. Eventually, I bottled all that pain up and put into a song to express my grief. That was my healing moment.
I still think about the child I lost, and wonder what that child would be like. I also thanked the Lord for his peace and lovingkindness, when exactly a year later to the day, I conceived my son. This is especially wonderous considering that all three times I have conceived I have been on birth control!
Anyway, I decided after about five months of silence, I would not hide my miscarriage anymore. So many women out there have experienced what I did and yet have hidden it as some kind of shame and guilt, like they are responsible for what happened.
I grieve, but I know that Psalm 113:9 says:
He settles the barren woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the LORD.
I want women out there to know that even in our darkest hour, in our deepest grief God can. He can heal us, He can lift us up, He can deliver us from shame, He can be our strong tower, He can restore our soul, He can give us a hope of seeing our child(ren) again! So therefore, I share my song in the hope that it helps someone out there heal a little more from the grief so many of us share.
Song of My Heart
Nothing will bring you back to me
but you are a part of me always
We never had the chance to meet
Yet you are never far from me
I will carry you in my heart
and hold precious to
what you would have been
Did you ever hear
the song of my heart
beating up against your own
when your song failed
mine wanted to as well
I long to know if heaven rings
with the music of you singing
as it would've here on earth
Oh I hope you had your daddy's smile
and your mamma's blue green eyes
I know you are better off
where you are more so than here
you will never know the pain of life
or carry tears in your eyes
Hurt will never follow after you
and love will be ever by your side
I know you now have only peace
since the angels bore you up
within their wings
and God sang you His lullaby
But I will have missed the most
for never knowing you
Until we meet again
After my husband read these words he told me that he had a dream where a little boy with brown hair and brown eyes hugged him as Tim cried, and told him that he was okay in heaven and that he knew we loved him. My husband also said his name was Noah.